Thanks for listening...

I tried to upload a video, but to no avail. Just know it was more spectacular than this video with an elephant: http://colinandstusexcellentadventure.blogspot.com/2008/10/blog-post.html

"German Saying!"

Malcolm reaching his stride at beer #7

Adam steals a big mug. Later is told to give it back, so instead, he smashes it on ground in protest.

We found hats!

What a wonderful world we live in: Oktoberfest part Zwei

We made a mad dash through the Italian, Austrian and Swiss alps enroute to Munich and its healthy offerings of 1/2 lb. pretzels, female bustier, pork products and 33.184 Oz. beers.

 Oktoberfest, Day 1

I tried to find a good picture of all three of us, particularly one where Adam wasn't oozing sweat; unfortunatly, he didn't give us much to work with. That is not sweat on my shirt; If you've ever tried to drink out of the wide-opening nalgene bottles while jumping up and down singing Urethra Franklin, you know that I threw up on myself. Just kidding, Malcolm dunked his hand in his beer and re-enacted first grade art class: hand print day(!)

Eye on the prize. (The guy on left plays soccer for Ajax, the Netherland's best/most famous professional soccer team)

 

Malcolm asking if Ajax could use a starting center midfielder with expertise in 401K's and Life Insurance.

Hey American, The Irish want their shirt back

"The Human Repellent: More effective than talking about what your dream was about last night"

  This guy was face down on the table when we arrived. He soon unpassed out, got back up and proceeded to repel people (particularly women) from our table with unrelenting force. His most potent weapon: touching girls asses without them knowing (see above), and then smirking like the unmitigated jackass he was when they turned around. This is particularly annoying because the fun level of Oktoberfest is highly correlated with the fun level of the people at your table. He was on par with getting a knuckle sandwich instead of dawn each day. He got kicked out finally....

...But came back in 4 times.

One of his several magical re-appearances to the table met with a table-wide "ugh, why won't you die"*

 

Getting kicked out, again.

Day 2 next post.

ps. Aretha Franklin has nothing on Urethra.

*we kid (about his wished death, not about him being terrible)

What a wonderful world we live in: Oktoberfest Part Wun

Lost steam on the blog posts once Internet started costing $12/hour. However, I shall finish with a bang! (Or at least a viking helmet.)

Before Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany we spent 20 glorious hours in Milan. It is rumored that Italy has the most attractive women in the world (Argentina, Brazil may dispute), and further, the most attractive women in Italy live in Milan.

Well, three guys, whether attached or not, must verify this narrow claim.

Adam's ruling: "I need more time"
Stu's ruling:  "supermodels make me uneasy"
Malcolm's ruling: "YES!

Everywhere you look there's an attractive girl. And if she's not attractive, then she's wearing many thousands of dollars worth of clothes, and massive deceptorcon classes that hide her face and provide the smoke and mirrors to her visual revival.

On our one night in Milan, Adam, Malcolm and I went to a bar for dinner, and at about 1:30AM, we were about to call it a night. Adam made a move back to the hotel, and I was one step behind him, but Malcolm stood his ground like a dog, mid-poop, when the dog's owner is yanking at him to keep walking.*

Mal plainly said: "Guys, honestly, YOU don't go to Milan and not go to a club"

When the man is right; the man is right. At that moment, a taxi drove by, herded us across the city and 15 minutes later we found ourselves being told by a large bouncer that he could not get us in unless we paid $380 to reserve a table, and even after giving him that amount, we wasn't sure he could get us a table... or in.

Perplexed, we laughed in his face and went to the next club, where I thought it would be beneficial to only speak spanish, since being American had proven an exceedingly efficient way to pay through the teeth when entering clubs. This didn't work at all, since the next guy said he only spoke Italian and English. However, so not to foil my ploy, I continued to speak spanish. This more or less was useless.

Here are the minutes to that convo:

Stu: Hola; queremos entrar... cuantos?
Bouncer: (in perfect english): I speak english.
Stu:  hablo espanol solomente... speak little english, yes
Bouncer: You can pay $130 to get a table and a bottle.
Stu: necessito consultar con mis amigos.. un momento por favor
Stu (to Mal & Adam)- He says we can get info $130..
Mal & Adam- We know, he's speaking english.
Stu (to bouncer)- We'll take it!

Malcolm wanting, needing, wooing a cab.

Los Tres Amigos. AKA sweaty dudes dropping Swazy-esque moves on dance floor

Hotel lobby

 Milan Daytime activities:

The inscription above the Duomo's front door was interestingly: "Belissima, don't come here and not go to club"

ps. this post had nothing to do with Oktoberfest.

*please note: the dog issue above is a metaphor for Mal's action; he wasn't actually pooping on the sidewalk.

Cinque Terre and Menaggio, Lake Como: Three dudes unknowingly on a honeymoon

Cinque Terre is a good looking mountainous area on the west coast of Italy.

Cinque Terre Highlights:

• Pesto Sauce was invented here and played prominent roll in every meal.

• Tunnels. Cinque Terre, has tunnels everywhere. You would be shocked at how many tunnels there are. With minimal recognizance, I have determined Italians are most proficient at

            1) Speaking enthusiastically with aerobic hand gestures
            2) Tunneling.

•     Hiking between the towns

I rarely use a comb, but hiking is one time in which I do.

Lowlights:

•    Hiking directly behind a woman, who was once a man, who still looked very much like a man- only with C-cup breast implants.

 Cinque Terre is a well-known honeymoon spot. And if you don't believe me, please know that I was at a wedding in Maine two Sunday's ago, and sure enough, the couple (The lovely Jay & Emily Stewart), who tied the knot were in Cinque Terre on Thursday Night.

Kind of a crazy coincidence, so there’s no better way to celebrate inexplicably random meet ups than to drink an Irish beer in an Italian bar.

Stu, Adam, Malcolm and Jay hangout somewhere other than Boston or Maine.

Dinner with the Newlyweds. Picture taken shortly after Malcolm proposed to a passerby

Similar to Cinque Terre, Lake Como is a quaint mountain town on the water, only this water has George Clooney on it.

11 out of 10 American’s we’ve discussed our Lake Como visit with have asked if we’re going to George Clooney’s house. Our typical response: a swift punch to the throat followed by us singing the (wordless) ER theme song.

Sightseeings' equivalent to the Mexican Shower

Rain + long drive ^ pending McDonald's pit stop to stave off wine hangover = Leaning Tower of Pisa: Two Minute Drill.

We stormed the Tower of Pisa like auditors pursuing the truth. Adam in Stride, using his gifts from god.

Just to fully understand what we're working with.. 

I hope that if I ever eff something up as badly as this builder, tourists swoon it and a whole cottage industry is born.

With limited time, precision photography was not on Malcolm's mind

Nor was ballpark closeness

I know you've seen many staged pictures like this, but I'm actually holding the tower up

When good wine happens to good people

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One if by donkey, two if by Alfa Romeo... err, Ford. The Great Avis Debacle

Avis Rental Car is dead to Malcolm, Adam and I. We went to pick up our Avis rental car in Rome, but instead of the agent handing over keys to an Alfa Romeo, he handed us a turd sandwich.

Apparently Avis’ policy is to cancel your reservation but not tell you until you arrive at the rental agency ready to drive. They said that they don’t do one way car rentals from Italy to Germany unless there is a car from Germany that needs to go back. Which seems to suggest that someone from Germany was able to do a one way car rental.

The Avis guy’s argument fell on deaf ears as I had explicitly confirmed Avis’ a one way car rental with the European rental agent when making the reservation.

Mal and I tried to give them a piece of our minds, however, after I pounded on the counter saying they were ruining our vacation, it was tough to keep a straight face knowing that we could probably get a car somewhere else and that I don’t think I’ve pounded a countertop since I was in a high chair and my noodles were unsatisfactory.

Doesn’t mean I don’t encourage everyone to boycott Avis indefinitely.

Three hours and $700 additional dollars later, we got a Ford Climax or something like that. Not nearly as sexy or Italian as an Alfa Romeo..

Fact finding at Hertz

Sixt was our third try and they only charged a £800 one way fee.. Adam working things. Malcolm contemplating his first love.

An additional pitfall of the Avis debacle was that we had reserved a GPS system and were relying on it to get us where we were going and to politely notify us when we were driving 150 KM/hr in the wrong direction. Our new car did not come equipped with a GPS, and so we had to revert to plan: Google Map Directions. As we have discovered, if you don’t speak the language and the maps are generally useless, you will find yourself in a bit of a pickle.

This has manifested itself in us getting lost on multiple occasions. The first time after our second turn in Rome. Rome is fantastically difficult to navigate partially because the roads were urban planned by a 3 year old doodling on an etch-a-sketch and mostly because roads don’t have street names that correspond to any map in our possession.

These are direct quotes from other times we’ve been lost:

“The map has squiggly roads on it.. have we taken any squiggly roads?” –Stu
“Was that a hard right or a slight right. The directions say to take a slight right, but that seemed kind of hard” -Adam
“We’re supposed to be on SS27, but that sign just said SS28…-Stu
“Let’s just follow SS28 like it’s SS27”-Mal
“We’re supposed to be on Via _________” (insert any Italian word and butcher it).

Anyway, getting lost is just delayed gratification.

Below-
Fancy McDonalds- We spent many more minutes at McD's (5) than at the Leaning Tower of Pisa (2)

The slickest thing since the Fonz lying on a Valdez beach lathered in baby oil

Our trip generally involves us hopping from Rome to Tuscan Vineyard to Mountainous beach area to Milan to lake como to beer fest, mostly for only one day.

With the time limit in mind, our agenda in Rome looked very much like this:

Do everything.

And that we tried; Spanish steps, nap (1.5 hours), Pantheon (by accident), Coliesum, Ancient Ruins, Campo Di Fiori, The Drunken Ship Bar, Piazza Campidoglio, and a few accidental neighborhoods because we thought we were walking north, when it (later) became readily apparent we had walked south.

Coliseum

Having just slayed a tiger and a few barbarians in the arena, we pose for adoring crowd

When In Rome, Fall and Break your neck as the Romans do

While I have done a few dangerous things while traveling (see: July 2009, Vietnam; falling off motorbike and getting staph infection), I believe nothing is more likely to cause death than the steps of Piazza Campidoglio on a rainy day. Picture of Malcolm’s pink umbrella below provides evidence of rain:

 I shrewdly went with tropical underwater scene

The steps are made of the world’s smoothest marble and are tilted at a downward angle. This can be especially volatile when two out of three of your fearless travelers wear 6 year old flip flops with the world’s smoothest souls and it’s pouring rain.

Malcolm gloating his new reef sandels with adequate tred

More volital combo than Propofil and Xanax

Going up was manageable, as momentum generally would make you fall fwd. However, on the descent, Adam and I both experienced scooby doo leg moments- where your feet move quickly but you don’t move- only this time, instead of escaping ghosts, you fall and crack our skull open. Luckily, both of us caught our falls- Adam to much fanfare, inducing a round of applause from a group of 16 year old girls. (Although, they may have been applauding Malcolm’s Umbrella color choice or Adam's calves- picture in a later post).

Outside the Coliseum, feeling the moment, Malcolm serenades Adam with Pavarotti balad: J Sol Mio.

Diverted plane averted

For our 6pm flight from Washington DC Dulles to Rome on Sunday, Malcolm Thomas, the ever savvy globe trotter, arrived to Dulles 8.5 hours early. He actually executed what all of us have thought about (but never pulled the trigger due to logical reasoning): Booking an excruciatingly long layover- when a completely reasonable timed flight was available- in order to save $100.

Malcolm’s Travel Tip #1: “8 hour layovers aren’t worth it. Although, I was able to thoroughly weigh my options before picking out a book at the airport Borders".

Adam and I couldn’t have realized it at the time, but Malcolm’s transcontinental flight was destined for failure..

We arrived to our seats- well within smelling distance of the rear bathrooms- and the person next to me asked if I wanted to switch with her friend in Economy Plus. Confirming the offer, I accepted and sprinted toward the greener pastures 17 inches of leg room, free wine and a general air of superiority.

I didn’t see Malcolm and Adam for the rest of the flight, and only got a second hand rendition of what transpired:

Malcolm’s Travel Tip #2 “If possible, do not mix coffee, bailey’s & sleeping pills on planes”.

Adam had sweet talked the flight attendants into giving him and “his assistant”, Malcolm, several free drinks. About 4 hours into the flight, Malcolm drank a coffee with bailey’s then popped a sleeping pill. (Our first line of questioning was 'Why?' too..)

Soon thereafter, Malcolm was feeling a little dizzy, and decided to walk to the rear galley for water. What he didn’t intend to do was faint in front of the flight attendant.

In Malcolm’s retelling:

Malcolm: (falls to ground.. comes to with Flight Attendants over him)
Flight Attendant #1-“Oh my god, are you’re having a seizure?!”
Mal “I’m not having a seizure”
Flight Attendant #1-“I think you are”
Mal- "I'm not having a seizure" (then silence, knowing arguing won’t get him back to his seat any quicker)

[Interesting thing learned during episode: Flight attendants often show up to work hungover. To combat their hangover, they suck on the oxygen tanks in the cockpit, but not the oxygen tanks in the main cabin, because any time the oxygen is used, it must be recorded and reported to somebody who cares about that. This was learned when Malcolm’s face was buried in the oxygen mask]

Flight Attendant #1-“Are you with anybody?”
Flight Attendant #2- “I know who he’s with” (gets Adam, who she’s been slipping free drinks to all flight)
Adam- (arrives, sees Mal on floor with Oxygen Mask) “Hey buddy, what are you doing on the ground”
Flight Attendant #1- “He passed out. Look at him- he’s sheet white. Not like you” (referring to Adam)
Adam- “Thank you”
Malcolm- “OK, stop right there”

Malcolm’s Travel Tip #3 “It causes me GREAT pain to admit Adam is tanner than me”

Stu's Parent Reconciliation #1-  Mr. & Mrs. Thomas- Malcolm is alive and exceedingly well. I promise.

Mal and Adam became best friends with the flight attendants, who gave them a bottle of wine as a parting gift. Just what Mal needed.

The moral of the story: I am saddled with sadness that Adam didn’t take of pictures.

Multi-tasking. (My pager was buzzing too).

What can go wrong when these guys get together?

Malcolm, Adam and Stu went to high school together and have known each other since little league baseball.  This is their first jaunt to a foreign country together. If you like pictures with people giving the thumbs up or bicep curls, this may be the blog for you.

Mal, Stu, Jon (not traveling) & Adam: Los Tres Amigos

 

This is what it has been like getting Malcolm ready for the trip